


Fire Emblem - Three houses skits

by l_Winter_Rose_l



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:07:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 29
Words: 2,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23632831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/l_Winter_Rose_l/pseuds/l_Winter_Rose_l
Summary: - Leave requests in the comments, I'll update the shipping information as I progress-
Relationships: Dorothea/My Unit | Byleth, Edelgard von Hresvelg/My Unit | Byleth, Hilda Valentine Goneril/Edelgard von Hresvelg, Ingrid Brandl Galatea/My Unit | Byleth
Comments: 8
Kudos: 57





	1. Chapter 1

**Sothis** \- Hello mortal, how did you get in… 

**Byleth** \- Who is this small sassy child ? 

**Sothis** \- [raises hand, using time to make Byleth a child as well] 

**Byleth** \- Very funny [grins] I at least grew up once though, you baby 

**Sothis** \- Ha Ha [glares] I can make you an embryo


	2. Chapter 2

**Edelgard** \- Professor, I forgot to do my homework 

**Byleth** \- [writes in an A+] 

**Edelgard** \- Professor no , that’s cheating


	3. Chapter 3

[Byleth saves Edelgard]

 **Edelgard** \- It’s decided, I’m going to smash 

**Byleth** \- No ? [takes out Smash bros invitation] I smash 

**Edelgard** \- [blushes, not paying too much attention] Well if you insist


	4. Chapter 4

**Byleth** \- [sparkly singer outfit] I don’t know about this Dorothea

 **Dorothea** \- NONSENSE [pushes Byleth on stage]

[Byleth stares at everyone in the audience ]

 **Dorothea** \- Shes not singing….but she’s so COOL

 **Byleth** \- [deep breath] Here’s Wonderwall

…….

[The audience throws bouquets of flowers at a silent Byleth]

 **Dorothea** \- I think I might have gotten her a singing career…..

 **Byleth** \- [wondering to self ] Do I get a cute little hat too….I hope I get a cute little hat

[A Dorothea hat lands on stage . Byleth picks it up and puts it on]

 **Byleth** \- [content with her Dorothea hat]

 **Dorothea** \- I love this woman


	5. Chapter 5

[Jeralt stands outside Byleths room uncomfortably]

 **Edelgard** \- Excuse me Jeralt , have you seen the Professor

 **Jeralt** \- Shes locked herself in her room, I’ve upset her

 **Edelgard** \- What did you say

 **Jeralt** \- I said she’d never have muscles like mine

 **Edelgard** \- [pushes past Jeralt ] Professor , don’t worry. We can take some seminars with a brawling expert and increase our muscles

[Byleth comes out]


	6. Body Swap Part 1 ( Byleth --- Flayn)

**Byleth** \- Dorothea 

**Dorothea** \- Yes ?

 **Byleth** \- I heard you found a spell to swap bodies 

**Dorothea** \- I did, why? 

\- One swap with Flayn later - 

**Seteth** \- Flayn hello, have you gone to morning services ye….. 

**Flayn [Byleth]** \- FUCK 

[Seteth runs off sobbing]

…………………………………………………..

 **Seteth** \- Now Flayn….is there anything you want to tell me about ? Do you have a boyfriend 

**Flayn[Byleth]** \- I DO. And her name is EDELGARD 

**Seteth** \- [runs off sobbing again] Not HER


	7. Body Swap Part  2  ( Byleth --- Flayn)

[Dorothea walks up to the Monastery door and finds a note posted to it]

 **Sethis-** Hello students, 

It is with great sadness that I announce my resignation from Gerig Mach Monastery. I’ve decided to go into hiding with Flayn to live a life of quiet contemplation of the goddess’s design 

**Dorothea -** [sweating] Uh oh 

-Meanwhile, somewhere in the world -

 **Seteth** \- [revealing himself from behind the puppet stage] Flayn, what is the matter ? You usually love my puppet shows

 **Flayn** [Byleth] - [horrified, smiling uncomfortably] If I make it out of here alive, she is NEVER going back to this guy


	8. Body Swap - Part 3   (Byleth --- Flayn)

**Flayn [Byleth]** \- [Morse code with blinking - Oh gods , get me out of here , he’s insane ] Thank you for the supplies sir , you are very kind

 **Delivery man** \- Are you ok little lady ? You are blinking a whole lot

 **Flayn [Byleth] -** [Morse Code - Shut up ! You’re going to give me away] I’m sure I have no idea what you’re talking about

 **Seteth** \- FLAYN. Leave the help alone and come back to prayer

[Byleth screams internally ]

**..........................**

**Flayn [Byleth]** \- [ opens door] Hello ^^

 **Edelgard** \- .....Professor ?

 **Flayn [Byleth]** \- [sigh of relief] What took you all so long, I’ve been here so long, I accidentally called Seteth “Brother” once

 **Edelgard** \- It’s the end of the month. When else were we supposed to get you ?

 **Flayn [Byleth]** \- Ok, new rule. We take care of problems immediately, instead of waiting until the end of the month when they're a problem

\- Upon their return- 

[Rhea bursts out laughing, Jeralt face palms]

 **Flayn [Byleth]** \- Look, it was fun messing with Seteth until he kidnapped me ok. Now I want my body back

 **Jeralt** \- Sorry kid, but your body rode away from the monastery before you returned. I’ll send my guys out to look for her, but in the meantime, you’re just going to have to go to class as a student

 **Flayn [Byleth]** \- Ok

 **Jeralt-** And that means Homework

 **Flayn[Byleth]** \- Home....what ?


	9. Chapter 9

**Lysithea** \- Professor, how old are you

 **Byleth** \- [shrugs] Don’t know

 **Lysithea** \- How could you not know

 **Byleth** \- I mean, it never came up in a conversation

 **Lysithea** \- How could it not come up….it’s a very important part of meeting someone

 **Byleth** \- I don’t know what you want me to say

 **Lysithea** \- You told me, that I look younger than the other people here

 **Byleth** \- I did

 **Lysithea** \- Do I look the same age as you

 **Byleth** \- [takes a long hard look at Lysithea] …..MAYBE

[Lysithea punches Byleth in the jaw]

\- Lysithea’s Brawl skill has increased to S -


	10. Chapter 10

[Dedue saves Hilda from a certain demise]

 **Hilda** \- Thanks Da doi

 **Dedue** \- ........

[Dedue picks up Hilda and throws her back into danger]


	11. Chapter 11

**Rhea** \- Ok Professor, which class do you wish to teach ...

 **Byleth** \- All of them

 **Rhea** \- You can’t do that

 **Byleth** \- Of course I can, the tables are very empty . And if we run out of room we can just use another room in this giant monastery . I think I saw a room with a nice big table that would be PERFECT


	12. Chapter 12

**Ingrid** \- I am sad

**Byleth** \- Why ?

**Ingrid** \- My father wants me to get married , but I want to be a knight.

**Byleth** \- You don’t have to get married

**Ingrid** \- Id feel guilty if I didn’t . He sacrificed his whole life for me

**Byleth** \- WE could get married

**Ingrid** \- [blurts our in embarrasment] PROFESSOR ?!

**Byleth** \- We get married , and then you can go be a knight

**Ingrid** \- But he was hoping I’d marry someone of note

**Byleth** \- I’m a professor with a rare crest. It’s fine


	13. Chapter 13

**Claude** \- Hilda , I’ve been into your room

 **Hilda** \- ......

 **Claude** \- The Edelgard post...

 **Hilda** \- PLANTED

 **Claude** \- Hilda, it’s ok if you’re gay for Edelgard

 **Hilda** \- What ? No, I’m not ....WHAT ?

 **Claude** \- [waits patiently]

 **Hilda** \- How do I know this isn’t a trap ? Maybe YOU’RE the one whose gay for Edelgard

 **Claude** \- That would be a neat trick , considering I’m not a woman

 **Hilda** \- Are so

 **Claude** \- Am not

 **Hilda** \- Are so [

The argument continues until Byleth gives them both detention]


	14. Chapter 14

[Leonie sighs]

 **Byleth** \- What’s wrong sis

 **Leonie** \- I don’t get it. I’ve been training to be like Jeralt for so long , but no one seems to like me

[Byleth peeks over Leonies shoulder to see Marianne , and Bernadetta thirsting after Leonie in the distance]

 **Byleth** \- Maybe you need to keep looking


	15. Chapter 15

[Dimitri, Claude and Edelgard all pull out a single rose]

 **Dimitri,Claude, Edelgard** \- [charming] Join my house professor ?

 **Byleth** \- [narrows eyes suspiciously]

 **Dimitri, Claude and Edelgard** \- [glare at each other]

 **Edelgard** \- Claude, Dimitri ….I beleive we all agreed that the Professor would join MY house

 **Claude** \- Hey, I didnt agree to anything

 **Dimitri** \- You can’t just call dibs on education El

 **Claude** \- Oh yeah, she’s shooting for a kind of education alright

[Edelgard covers Claude’s mouth]


	16. Chapter 16

**Ingrid** \- My father is going to marry me off to an aristocrat . It’s a good offer , so I feel pressured to take it 

**Edelgard** \- That’s foolish . It would be much more advantageous to marry an Empress 

**Ingrid** \- I don’t have any empresses proposing 

[Edelgard takes out a ring] 

**Ingrid** \- ………[faints] 

**Edelgard** \- [panic] Hubert ? [looks around] Hubert ?! Was that a yes ?

 **Hubert** \- I believe it was Lady Edelgard 

**Edelgard** \- [smiles, giving a small elated bounce ] Excellent 


	17. Chapter 17

[Edelgard wakes up on the back of a horse. She sits up to see Ingrid riding the horse with a wide eyed expression] 

**Edelgard** \- Ingrid ? [holds forehead to alleviate pain ] What’s going on ? Wasn’t Dimitri going to ?

 **Ingrid** \- [panic] Yes…..I saved you, and I think that might count as treason

 **Edelgard** \- It does 

**Ingrid** \- Can I join your team ? 

**Edelgard** \- Of course [nods] Anyone as brave as you has a place on my strike force 

**Ingrid** \- Oh thank goodness


	18. Chapter 18

**Claude** \- Go home Hilda

 **Hilda** \- [petulant] NO 

**Claude** \- Go HOME I said.

 **Hilda** \- No, I want to stay here and fight for you. I want to help

 **Claude** \- You never wanted to help at the academy ! 

**Hilda** \- The academy sucked

 **Claude** -That was the perfect time ! Not during a WAR

 **Hilda** \- I can’t leave you here alone ! I love you Claudey

 **Claude** \- I get that. I love you too, you’re my bff, But we’re fighting Edelgard, and eyepatch Dimitri, and I’m kinda terrified for you

 **Hilda** \- [raspberry’s]

 **Claude** \- [laughs, but quickly stops] Stop it, this is serious


	19. Chapter 19

[Ingrid drops by Byleth's door]  
 **Ingrid** \- [hearing Byleth cry into her pillow] Professor ?  
 **Byleth** \- Yes ?  
 **Ingrid** \- Are you ok ? You took quite a spill   
**Byleth** \- I’m fine   
**Ingrid** \- Why are you crying   
**Byleth** \- Because this stupid school doesn’t have adequate training facilities for flying, and now you’ll never join my class


	20. Chapter 20

[Byleth sits with the three house leaders]

 **Byleth** \- Ok, I’ve been gone for five years , so I gotta know what happened

 **Edelgard** \- What do you mean Professor ?

 **Byleth** \- People think you’re scary, Dimitri has an eyepatch and talks about murder , and Claude grew facial hair

.

.

.

**Dimitri** \- EDELGARD

**Byleth** \- Inside voices Dimitri

**Dimitri** \- [inside voice ] ....Edelgard

.

.

.

**Dimitri** \- You betrayed the church

**Byleth** \- I understand that we had very good times here, but can you understand that Rhea was a dragon and the cause of all our woes ?

**Dimitri** \- Thats not a nice thing to call someone

**Byleth** \- An actual dragon, not a cute metaphor


	21. Chapter 21

**Edelgard** \- HILDA [Hilda flinches] I’m glad I caught….

[Hilda runs and hides] 

**Hilda** \- You May be super pretty Edelgard Von Hresvelg , but I’m not betraying Claude 

**Byleth** \- [behind Hilda] You think she’s pretty too ? 

**Hilda** \- OH MY GOD PROFESSOR 

___________________

Writing Requests are OPEN


	22. Role Swap AU

[Byleth hears a knock her door. She gets up, and opens it to see Professor Edelgard] 

**Edelgard** \- [gives Byleth an Armored Stuffie] This is for you 

[Byleth is stunned for a moment ] 

**Byleth** \- [hiding her elation] 

##  _-Byleth’s Relationship with Edelgard has increased by a lot -_

[ **Edelgard** smiles and hides behind a pillar outside as Byleth closes her door] 

**Byleth** \- [hugging the bear close, burying her face on its head] Why do I feel like sharing my tragic past with her….

_______________

Writing Requests are OPEN


	23. Student AU

**Jeralt** \- Kid listen

**Byleth** \- No

**Jeralt** \- This will be good for you

**Byleth** \- I am an accomplished Mercenary, I’m not going to be a school girl

**Rhea** \- There are plenty of cute singles in this area

**Byleth** \- Is the uniform cute ?

…………..

Writing Requests are OPEN


	24. The "Someones going to think I'm being edgy , but this just the way she is" chapter

[Chosen one Edelgard is introduced by Rhea, as new god]

**Edelgard** \- Attention faithful [raises arms in the air] Organized religion is a LIE

[Everyone gasps]

**Edelgard** \- I’m your god, that means I’m right

[Rhea transforms into the spot in a rage]

—————

Writing Requests are OPEN


	25. Alois

**Alois** \- I can’t keep my promise to Jeralt, I couldn’t protect you [glares] I’m going to have to kill you

 **Byleth** \- Oh please, you didn’t even try

 **Alois** \- How could you say that ?!

 **Byleth** \- Literally the first sign of trouble and you immediately turn on me. Like, I didn’t expect you to like jump to El’s side, but you could have like…I don’t know…TALKED TO ME FIRST

 **Alois** \- …..

____________________

Writing Requests are OPEN


	26. Chapter 26

[Byleth and Bernadetta sit down for a meal of Seggert and Cream]

 **Edelgard** \- [charming] Why hello[leans forward] I heard you two might like this meal

 **Byleth** \- [pants charmed off] [thinking] Np way, is this a date ?!

 **Bernadetta** \- [concerned, leaning towards Byleth’s ear] [whisper] We can go back to our rooms if you want

 **Byleth** \- [whispers back] What 

**Bernadetta** \- You look like i do when i have to talk to people

 **Byleth** \- I do ? [looks at Edelgard]

 **Edelgard** \- [the charm keeps coming]

 **Byleth** \- [face reddens] [smiles] Thank you so much Professor, this is my favorite 

##  _-Byleth’s Relationship with Edelgard has increased by a lot -_

___________________

Writing Requests are OPEN


	27. Professor Edelgard ---

**Edelgard** \- I’ve chosen Byleth to be this years representative for the White Heron cup

[Byleth's eyes widen ]

[Everyone starts clapping]

 **Byleth** \- I do believe I shall be in my room for the foreseeable future

 **Bernadetta** \- [thumbs up] Solid plan Byleth


	28. Chapter 28

**Petra** \- Professor, I have the life issues

 **Byleth** \- I don’t know how to deal with them

[Byleth's professor level falls so far that she becomes a fellow student]

 **Edelgard** \- I’m Proffessor now [snaps horse crop] Class is in session Byleth 

**Byleth** \- [stunned blush]

...............................

 **Sothis** \- Byleth ? Byleth ?

 **Byleth** \- [groggy] Sothis ?

 **Sothis** \- It’s time to awaken

 **Byleth** \- Did I fall in battle ?

 **Sothis** \- [haughty laughter] Oh heavens no. One of your many children has soiled themselves

 **Byleth** \- W...what ?

 **Sothis** \- You had best get to it , Byleth Von Hresvelg 

l[Byleth awakens to several of her children with Edelgard]

 **Edelgard** \- [kicks the door in] Time for child the 6th !

 **Byleth** \- Edelgard ...I’m so tired . Edelgard please 

[Edelgard drags Byleth away]

.............

\- Later , in bed - 

**Edelgard** \- It’s ok Byleth. We’re rebuilding a family line, one piece of the chain at a time

 **Byleth** \- [gurgle]

.............

[Byleth sits numbly on her resting chair as the doctors examine Edelgard in the other room, trying to save her from the death]

 **Edelgard** \- [kicks door in, now with hair rebrowned] BYLETH

 **Byleth** \- H...how

 **Edelgard** \- They solved my two crest problem 

**Byleth** \- [despair] No....

 **Edelgard** \- You know what that means !

 **Byleth** \- D:

 **Edelgard** \- Let’s make it 10 !

[Edelgard hoists Byleth over her shoulder and carries her to the royal bedroom ]

................

 **Doctor** \- [examining Byleths x-ray] Your pelvis has been ground to dust.

 **Edelgard** \- B)

 **Byleth** \- Understandable

 **Edelgard** \- MERCEDES !

[Mercedes casts psychic through the wall, healing Byleths shattered pelvis ]

 **Byleth** \- OH NO 

**Edelgard** \- OH YEAH

................

_**New game +** _

New Byleth appears and sees Old Byleth sitting on Sothis’s throne ]

 **New Byleth** \- You look AWFUL

 **Old Byleth** \- Ok, so lets just move this long to you choosing black eagles , and then you can come back and tell me how I look


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please do not kill me, dimitri fans

[Sylvain and Felix plop a chained up Byleth before Dimitri]

 **Dimitri** \- So lets see what you have here .....a list of reasons to leave me, and a list of reasons to avoid Edelgard

 **Byleth** \- .....

 **Dimitri** \- All you have for me is “No one would stay with a guy like that , right ?”

 **Byleth** \- [sweats]

 **Dimitri** \- What kind of guy am I professor 

**Byleth** \- [careful] The kind of guy who WON’T wear my skin as a suit ?


End file.
